Coping

She's not angry, she's doesn't have hatred for him. She just feels extremely disappointed in him and because of that disappointment, she feels a lot of hurt. 

She feels speechless at the way he is handling this situation. She feels hurt at the words that came out of his mouth. But most of all, she just feels disappointed. 

She will give him one chance and not make a decision till they talk. But she knows that her decision will be based on what is best for her in the long run. 

Right now she has to concentrate on studying, but it is so hard when her brain wanders off and thinks about him, about them, about the past, about the present. And her aching heart is not helping.

She needs to be strong. For herself, and her family, and all her other friends who wish the best for her.

Challenges

She's hurting a lot right now. Maybe her friends are right, she doesn't deserve to feel such hurt and to be treated in such a way. She is her daddy's princess. Why should she accept someone who treats her this way, who doesn't treats her like a girlfriend and doesn't give her the respect she deserved and makes her feel undeserving.

But then again, she can't help but remember all the good things about him too. The way he took care of her when she was sick, the way he made her feel loved, the way he smiles and laughs, the way he made her laugh. She remembers how he was willing to come to the States to study for her, and how he visited her here.

She's torn right now. One part of her thinks that it might be the right decision to break up with him, while the other part of her hopes that they have one last chance to put in effort to make it work.

She wonders if he misses her at all, or maybe he hasn't been for quite some time now.

Contradictions

He thinks she's being needy. He thinks she's being clingy. He thinks he did put in effort to talk to her despite his busy schedule. He feels that she's not being supportive of him and being a burden to him. He thinks she's pulling him down.

She thinks he's being neglectful. She thinks he doesn't talk to her even when he has free time. She thinks he's being selfish by doing so. She feels left out. She feels unwelcomed.

Relationships are about effort and time. She feels he is not putting in both right now. Maybe he is,  but she doesn't feel it, because the way he is treating her is just way to different.

They say communication is key, especially in along distance relationship. She worries that this relationship will break because of a lack of communication. How can you be a couple when you hardly communicate and are not part of each other's life? Couples need to be in the loop, they need to know who your close friends are, who you are hanging out with and what you are up to. They need to know each other's goals, and plans. They need to "be" in each others life.

Right now, she is feeling insecure about this relationship. She no longer knows whether they will have a future together. At this point of time, she still wants a future with him. But is she confident of one? The answer would be no.

Cracks.

She missed him dearly and wanted so much to know what is going on in his life. But right now, she just feels like an outsider, someone who is not welcomed and is deemed as a nuisance.

It started ever since he finished camp. She was dying to see him after missing him for 5 days. She thought he would feel the same and would want to talk to her as badly as she wanted to talk to him. She felt excited as camp drew to a close because she knew she would be able to talk to him again. Even though she was in class, she kept checking her phone. She made sure power saving was off so that she wouldn’t miss any of his whatsapp messages or viber calls when he finally did.

But what happened after that gnawed at her heart because she felt that he did not want to talk to her as much as she want to talk to him. He said he would be ready after drinking his protein shake, so she waited. 15 minutes passed, and for the whole 15 minutes, she checked her phone constantly. She saw him online on whatsapp, wondering what is taking him so long and why isn’t he calling her yet. He said he was typing a message to his buddy, her heart fell. 5 days of camp without talking to each other and yet he couldn’t wait till after he talked to her to write a message to his buddy. His buddy came first.

Things just went downhill from that day onwards for her. He seemed nonchalant enough about it though. He had tuition on Saturday and in heart she was worried about him because he hadn’t had enough rest for a long time and yet he had to go teach tuition. She told herself she would wake up early at 8am to skype him so that he could go to bed earlier, so that he would get enough rest. That night, she couldn’t sleep because she had tea to drink. So, she asked for them to skype earlier. They skyped and  he had to leave and 8.20am to have supper with his friends.

Honestly, she felt sad about him having to leave so fast. She had more to talk to him about. Things about her life the past week to tell him. But he never asked. And when she asked him if he wasn’t interested in what she did the past week, he got slightly irritated and asked her about it. To her, it felt like a chore. She no longer want to share in detail about her week. She just listed them boringly and they ended the call. She can’t help but think, it’s only 8.20am. If she were to wake at 8 and only skype him then, would he only skype her for 20minutes and then leave? Why must he meet his friends today for supper when he just got back from camp? Why can’t he meet them another day and get enough rest first? He ended up sleeping at 2 plus am that night. And he still had tuition the next morning.

The short skype talk they had wasn’t enough for her. And she felt as if he is not making any effort at all to talk to her. That night, she had the option of accompanying a friend to a party and asked him if she should go. He said she should, so that she wouldn’t kaopeh him when he needed to do the same. She thought that it was very selfish of him. Previously when he didn’t have the need to go out late at night, he forbid her to do the same. But now, when he does, he allowed her to go. She can’t help but think if he realized what he was doing.

That night, she went, partly because she felt sad about him. She didn’t want to stay at home alone with her thoughts. It ended late and she only went home at about three. She whatsapped him about being home and also about something else regarding a pageant that he told her about. He did not reply and so she called him. The line was bad and she couldn’t hear a thing. He ended the call and whatsapped her asking her to just go sleep because she disturbed him from his sleep. She felt disappointed. Didn’t he want to know that she was home safely? Didn’t he care about her anymore?

Every day it was about his OG, his friends. He doesn’t make time at all for her anymore. He says he is busy, yes, she understands. But time for his girlfriend can be made. She would be happy with a viber call from him while on the way saying that he misses her and wish she was there to share what was happening in his life with her. But no, not once did he viber her nor called her. Not once did they skype since that morning. Even whatsapp was scarce. She felt left out, she felt neglected. She felt that he is a changed person. She felt like she did not matter to him anymore.

She was unreasonable when he was a gym, hoping that he would realize how she was feeling. But, yet again she was brushed aside because he was busy. Busy gyming, busy going out with his OG. She wondered why didn’t he call her when he was on the way back from gym. She hoped that he would stay home at solve the problem with her. She was very unreasonable because she was making a plea for attention, but no, it didn’t work.

She woke up, hoping that he would be back home after tuition. But then again, he was out, with his OG. She was shocked because she wasn’t aware of it. But she was already numb. She thought that perhaps after the scene she made while he was at gym, he would want to try to solve it with her. But he just responded with, “if you don’t think it is a problem, it won’t be a problem”. She felt as if her feelings were belittled and that he was telling her that it was unjustified.

Didn’t he realize that he had been neglecting her ever since camp? When she missed him so much and wanted to talk to him. But again and again, she had to take the backseat, again and again, he had other priorities. All she wanted was to have a nice conversation with him, to feel connected with him and not so disconnected, but he couldn’t give her that.

He doesn’t know the number of times she cried because she was hurting inside. She was worried about the direction this relationship was heading to. He never reassured her but just scolded her each time. And every time, she wonders whether he heard what she had to say about her feelings. She wondered if the tables would turn, would he still be so nonchalant about it.

If things were already like that now and he doesn’t seem interested in helping her cope with it, things would just get worse. They wouldn’t improve and honestly, she feels as if maybe he doesn’t care anymore. She feels a difference in his attitude. She no longer is a priority, he doesn’t care whether he talks to her and whether they skyped. He doesn’t care whether they communicated. She does. Maybe he is preoccupied with his OG, with his new friends, with everything that is going on in his life. Has he forgotten how insecure he felt initially when she just came to the States? And how often he demanded that they skype and keep in touch? She feels as if she doesn’t know what is going on in his life now. And that he has forgotten her because of his new experiences. She feels neglected. He doesn’t try to make time for her anymore.

Maybe a long distance relationship is just hard. Maybe she should just give up. Eventually, the pain would stop.